I feel silly keeping a published record of my feelings, ideas and opinions. Yes, this is a new thing for me but it’s a feeling that has become prevalent whenever I write nowadays. A few months ago it made total sense. I was planning on being a well-known writer and I had to leave a record for posterity. I mean, seriously, people always become interested in their favorite writer’s “humble” beginnings, right? Well, I don’t know how it’s been for other writers but wanting the world notice my artistic talent doesn’t sound like a humbling experience. Let’s check the facts here—you’re reading this because you care about me, not because I’m on my way to fame or success. But I guess this is true for most of us and it’s something that haunts all writers who are brave enough to keep it real.
Even when I was trying I wasn’t very good at self-promotion, and now that my goal is to learn how to be humble this all seems ridiculous. From now on I’ll treat my writer blog as a tool to meditate through the written word. I’ve already decided not to continue with my latest attempt at getting noticed—The Miami Beach Gazette. I’m glad I got to do a few articles on very special people who deserved to be mentioned, but being humble means exposing one’s vulnerability by being completely honest. And yes, as much as I hate to admit it, the e-zine was always about me. The worst part is that writing about my desire to tame my ego still makes it about me, but writing non-fiction comes with that price-tag. After all, I can only rely on my own point of view. Thankfully, I have enough self-love to do this without judging myself every step of the way. Maybe one day I’ll succeed at humbling myself out of existence. I’ll become so small and insignificant to others that I’ll shrink my way out of this life. It might sound contradicting, but there’s something pure and precious in living an ordinary life.
So how has my life changed lately? Well, let’s see… I no longer use social media to get attention, although sometimes I make mention of school activities because I’m proud of my students’ efforts. I’m keeping in touch with my family and a few friends who have been going through tough times. I’m praying more and trying to complain less. I’m trusting God more and trying to control my circumstances less. I’m trying to be more present in my own life rather than planning and visualizing a desired future. If I know one thing about myself is that I’ll change my mind fifty times before the year ends. How can I be certain of what my dreamed future looks like?
I know this is a temporary state. I know a time will come when I’ll be able to retake the things I’ve always enjoyed doing and use them for the sole purpose of benefiting others. But that time isn’t here yet. It will come, I know it will. Meanwhile, I’m keeping my heart open to the opportunities that arrive at my front door. I’m living one day at a time without that awful sense of entitlement and without expectations. What a wonderful thing it is to live in awe of each moment! The simplest things become true blessings!